All of Me
by bono-212
Summary: Monk thinks about Trudy and a song he once heard


**A/N **I usually don't like songfics, but...well as you'll see I think this called for it.  
I do not own Monk OR My Immortal so there. Deal with it I suppose.

* * *

Natalie's daughter had been listening to the radio earlier when the song had come on. Usually Monk tuned out Julie's music, but this time he was struck by how...familiar the lyrics sounded. Now driving with Leland to a crime scene he couldn't help be but repeat the lyrics to himself and he was enveloped by the memories they brought along.

_i'm so tired of being here  
suppressed by all my childish fears  
but if you have to leave  
i wish that you would just leave  
'cause your prescence still lingers here  
and it won't leave me alone_

He did love Trudy. He loved her with all of his heart and soul, but the love and the loss had brought back all of his fears, and even he realized it was probably childish to be afraid of milk, but it was true. All of it. He couldn't help it. With her gone, nothing in this world seemed at all right anymore. None of it made sense, and maybe that's what really scared him. How terrifyingly strange this world was without Trudy in it. But now she's gone and all that's left is this shell of a man who is afraid of his own shadow. And didn't he often find himself surrounded by her presence? Both in times of sorrow, and in times of progress. He had been so close to moving on when he thought he had seen her that day, but no. Just a women pretending, a women who also died, but this time in his arms, and she had looked so much like Trudy hadn't she. Even the great Adrian Monk was fooled. This last thought came in the voice of Dale the Whale, and that terrifying thought made him move on.

_these wounds won't seem to heal  
this pain is just too real  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears  
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears  
i held your hand through all of these years  
but you still have...all of me_

It's all so real. The pain, the memories, the fact that she's still everywhere in his home. Maybe the fact that the last four lines were about how much she was there for him though. She had been there. For the tears, the fears, and the years. She had always been there. The one constant in his terrible life. He saw terrible things everyday. Murder, death, and other peoples fears, and she had always been there. Pushing out the coffee table, rubbing his head while she'd read or do a crossword, and that comfort had been enough. Her touch had been all he had needed to move on.

_you used to captivate me  
by your resonating light  
now i'm bound by the life you left behind  
your face, it haunts  
my once pleasant dreams  
your voice, it's chased away  
all the sanity in me_

They thought he was crazy the day he had gone into that couple's house and cooked Trudy's favorite meal on their "anniversary." And maybe he was crazy. But it was her. She's still here. It's crazy to believe, and everyone whispers it behind his back. He knows this. But as long as he still feels compelled to wear the ring, she will still be there. His dreams had once been pleasant, and they were still pleasant now, when she was there, but now the problem was that he never wanted to leave them. He wanted to stay with her there. Waking up was like Hell on Earth. Like HE was dead, and this was his own personal damnation. To forever visit with Trudy in his sleep, only to time after time be pulled away from her without a moments notice

_i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
but though you're still with me  
i've been alone all along_

He tried, they tried, everyone tried so hard to tell him she was gone. Sharona had even gotten him to go on a date again. But it all ended. No one else would understand him the way she had, and with that thought, came the knowledge that he would likely never get over her, no matter how much others might convince him it was possible.

_when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears  
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears  
i held your hand through all of these years  
but you still have...all of me  
all of me  
all of me  
all..._

Leland Stottlemeyer looked over at his sleeping friend and saw a few tears at the corner of each eye. A moment later he could feel his own tears beginning to fall. He wasn't positive what Adrian was dreaming about, but he was sure he could guess. Silently he continued taking his friend to the crime scene, and he wondered, as he had thousands of times before, if his friend would ever again be whole.


End file.
